Fight #6: Rob v. "Baron"

[Narrator]

Rob's opponent was by the far the most nattily dressed of any of the others who had found themselves in the bar that night--suit, tie, pocket square, and everything. Not exactly dressed for combat, as it were.

[Robert West]

"Well," Rob says, "It's nice to know there's some class to this whole thing then."

Rob stood casually, hands in the pockets of his lab coat.

[Narrator]

"Quite. A bunch of low-rent thugs in this establishment, if I do say so myself," he said, pulling out a pocket watch on a chain.

[Robert West]

"So, are what are the rules here?" Rob asks, "Are we doing this Marquess of Queensberry style or what?"

[Narrator]

"We can do this however you'd like. It will make no difference. Your time is nearly at an end."

[Robert West]

"No, no, no," Rob says waving his hand with a manic grin, "That's no good. There has to be rules. Regulations. That sort of thing."

[Narrator]

"What do you propose, then?" he asked, intrigued.

[Robert West]

"I say we keep things orderly," Rob says, "Take turns."

"You can go first, of course. It'd be completely unfair otherwise."

Rob smirks.

[Narrator]

"Turns? Surely, you must be joking."

[Robert West]

"That's not a joke," Rob says, "This is a joke; there once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. He was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man. So, he asked him for his ticket..."

[Narrator]

"Yes?"

[Robert West]

"Sorry, almost lost my place. So he asks, 'Excuse me sir, do have your ticket?'" Rob says:

"Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," he replied.

"Sorry sir, can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the train. Well, he landed on the tracks and was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.

The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He asks for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. So, he did it again, and nothing happened. Well, by law the guy was legally dead, so they had to release him.

Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy.

"Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor.

"A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..", said the little boy.

And.. the same thing happened -- the boy was thrown off the train and killed . The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution. It came to him last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites.

He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart.

They washed his hands to get rid of any banana slime, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy's chest.

Well, as the law says, they had to let him go...

Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad.

This time it was a rabbi. Same old stuff. Rabbi had no ticket (he forgot to buy it). Guy threw him off the train, rabbi died. Guy was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rites, and was escorted to the chamber.

However, this time the officials where going to get it right! They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners...

Okay, they strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened. Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point the guy was legally dead, etc, etc.

But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy three times already). asked, "What is it with the banana!"

The guy replied, "I just like bananas."

So, the executioner screamed, "Then how come you didn't die!?"

"I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just a bad conductor!"

Rob laughs uproariously, a mad edge to his laughter.

[Narrator]

"You've wasted my time, good sir," he said, flicking open his pocketwatch.

And the next thing Rob knew, the Baron was behind him, punching him in the back of the head.

[Robert West]

Rob slams roughly into the ground.

Slowly he lifts himself, grinning at his opponent.

"Good one," Rob says, bleeding from the side of his mouth, "My turn."

Rob lifts his hand and one of his rings glows a bright blue. Right before blasting off his hand and into the horizon.

"...." Rob stares after, a twitch over one eye, "Bullshit! I fixed that!"

[Narrator]

The baron laughed, and clicked his pocketwatch again...

...and was once again somehow behind Rob this time kicking him in the crotch.

[Robert West]

Before the kick could quite connect, Rob disappeared as the Baron's foot went through air and nothing else.

[Narrator]

"What?

What?!"

[Robert West]

"That's not very sporting of you, lad."

A column of pure force comes from Baron's side. Rob's standing there holding a small metal box in one hand.

[Narrator]

"Argh!" he cried, as he was pushed back and slammed against the wall.

*Click!*

And was then behind Rob, delivering a blow to his side.

[Robert West]

Rob takes a solid hit and reels backwards before managing to catch his balance.

"Ready to surrender yet?" Rob says with a grin.

[Narrator]

"Surrender? I'm winning, you clod!"

[Robert West]

"Is that how you see it? How quaint," Rob says, "Come on then. Let's finish this up."

[Narrator]

"Quite!"

*Click*

Punch!

[Robert West]

Rob turns quickly to avoid the punch, making a grab for Baron's watch.

"That..," Rob says, "...is annoying."

[Narrator]

"No! Let go of that!" Baron said, trying to fight for the watch.

[Robert West]

Rob throws the watch on the ground and stomps on it.

"Problematic," Rob says, his face looking rather grim for once, "I think I'm going a bit sane."

[Narrator]

"What have youdone?" the Baron asked, looking crestfallen.

[Robert West]

"Dealt with a problem," Rob says, a chill tone in his voice. And in one smooth motion he draws a flintlock from his coat and fires a hot bolt of plasma at Baron's chest.

[Narrator]

And an interesting thing happened.

As Baron flew back from the shot---he froze, in midair.

[Robert West]

Rob holsters the gun, pulling out a little orange bottle. Taking some pills out he watches Baron carefully.

"Interesting..." Rob says, taking the pills in a quick swig.

[Narrator]

Baron does not appear to be moving.

Unless Rob has some scientific equipment, which could measure that he was still falling. He'd probably hit the ground in, oh, about a century or so.

[Robert West]

Rob walks away, making a mental note to come back and deal with this at some point.

It wasn't like he didn't have time.