Oct 10: Embarassing Mind Voodoo

[Will Stanton]

Will knocked on Cassiel's door.

"Professor Asters?"

[Michael Asters]

"Come in, William," Cassiel called back, stacking his paperwork up and sliding it to the side.

[Will Stanton]

"Thanks for seeing me on such short notice--I've got...well, a weird and slightly embarrassing problem."

[Michael Asters]

"Have a seat, then," Cassiel said, gesturing toward a chair. "Tell me what seems to be the problem."

[Will Stanton]

Will sat down, a bit uncomfortably.

"Well, it all started a couple nights ago, with a nightmare--didn't think much of it at the time, everyone seemed to have one that night. I was slowly vivisecting Sara; frightening, realistic, but run-of-the-mill, or so I thought.

Next night, I had the same dream--only, before I could finish I was knocked out by 'Willow', who walked off with Sara, arm in arm.

NEXT night, I had two dueling dreams--'Will' was locked up in solitary somewhere, somewhere dark, being punished for SOMETHING, although for the life of me I can't remember what, chained to a wall...while 'Willow' was in a Leave-It-To-Beaver style fantasy world, cast as Sara's 'loving wife'. I woke up that morning shifted into Willow. I was able to shift out again, so I chalked it up to just being worried about her as she was away.

NEXT night, can't remember any dreams, but I woke up as Willow again. And, when Sara got back, we were...um...we were snuggling and things, but as we tried....uh...as we got closer, I kept...I kept shifting into Willow from Will. I couldn't keep my normal form up.

If it was just in dreams, I'd ignore it, but something's up, here..."

[Michael Asters]

Cassiel nodded as he listened. "Well, your subconscious has a strong effect on your dreams, and on powers such as yours. So subconsciously, I'd wager, you're manifesting some sort of mistrust or percieved danger about yourself onto your normal form, while your 'willow' body is still viewed as safe. And over time, your mind is compartmentalizing the fears, isolating it off along with your normal physical form."

"Can you think of any reason for this?"

[Will Stanton]

Will pauses, quietly.

"I killed somebody. Like this. And I let that hostage die...

But that was, like, a week ago..."

[Michael Asters]

"Time doesn't necessarily mean a lot with this sort of thing. You have to be in the right state of mind for the associations to be made in your mind. For the past week, you might simply have not been ready to process what happened like that. Or something else might have tipped off this reaction and set things in motion."

[Will Stanton]

Will nodded, slowly. ''I guess...so, what you're saying is...

OK, I don't actually follow you at all,'' he admitted, sheepishly.

[Michael Asters]

"It was a delayed reaction. Shock, distraction... lots of things can hold off you reacting to what happened."

[Will Stanton]

"Alright.

Assuming your right--and, since you've got brain powers, you likely are--what do we do?"

[Michael Asters]

"You need to get over the fears you have involving what you had to do during the mission. You need to come to terms with what happened, and you need to forgive yourself for it. You need to realize that there isn't a 'safe' you and a 'dangerous' you... there's just you. You and Willow are the same person, just with slightly different parts. You need to realize that just because you did something that harmed someone doesn't mean that you're inherently dangerous, and the fact that what you did horrifies you so much is evidence toward this."

[Will Stanton]

"But..."

Will paused. "It isn't right. What I did...doesn't it mean I AM inherently dangerous? I lost control, and someone died. I've already put Sara out some by losing control of shifting, when she absorbed me...

And it's easier said then done, forgiving yourself...."

[Michael Asters]

"And those are things I can't answer for you. It is hard to forgive yourself. However, one thing to remember is that you can't change the past. All you can do is take the past and use it to decide how you're going to shape the future."

[Will Stanton]

Will nodded, slowly.

"...Did you ever go through something like this? I mean, worrying about something you did?"

[Michael Asters]

Cassiel nodded. "All the time," he answered, honestly and candidly. "I was put on the X-Teams when I was sixteen, and my first mission was to rescue a student who'd been kidnapped during an armed raid on the school and pulled off to a militant South American country. We were put, more or less, in a 'kill or be killed' situation, even with something as simple as guarding the plane. I couldn't sleep soundly for about three weeks following it."

[Will Stanton]

"What did YOU do? 'Cause I've tried confession and prayer and all that, and I still feel...well, I don't like it."

[Michael Asters]

"I thought long and hard about what else I could have done at the time, to see if what I did really was necessary. I weighed what I did against what I could have done, and couldn't come up with any better solutions. I took my reasoning into account... the fact that I wasn't killing simply because I could or because I wanted to or because it was the most expedient solution... I was doing it because at that time, to the best of my knowledge at that very moment, there simply was no other action to take."

"And honestly, I found comfort in the fact that I didn't like it. Your actions don't necessarily define you... it's the attitude and the purpose behind the actions you take that define you, as well as what you do after the fact."

[Will Stanton]

"Is...

Is this something we're gonna be doing all the time? I mean, every mission?"

[Michael Asters]

"I certainly hope not. We like to say that X-Men don't kill... that's obviously an exageration, since we obviously do on occasion, but only when it's needed. This time, that happened. Last time, it didn't. Hopefully it won't the next few times, either. But I'd be lying if I said this was probably the last time it happened, and you aren't a fool enough to believe me if I did say it."

[Will Stanton]

"I don't know, sir. I'm a pretty big fool," he said, a slow smile drawing across his face.

[Michael Asters]

"I save statements like that for times when someone does something like getting physically merged with their girlfriend for twenty-four hours," Cassiel answered, smiling slowly in return.

[Will Stanton]

"Yeah, I really screwed the pooch on that one, didn't I?"

[Michael Asters]

"At least you realize it. Doing something... well, stupid, and realizing why it was stupid is generally a guarantee that you won't make another mistake like that. At the very least, you didn't try something like firing yourself out of a gun."

[Will Stanton]

Will paused.

"Uh, yeah, that...that would have been stupid, yeah, wouldn't it?"

[Michael Asters]

Cassiel couldn't help smirking at that. "Considering something stupid and actually doing it are whole different worlds. Don't worry. Anyway... now that we've established what is wrong with you, just hold still for a moment while I correct it."

[Will Stanton]

"You can do that? Fantastic..."

[Michael Asters]

"Of course I can. What's the use of being an omega telepath and psychologist if I can't fix something simple like a self-image crisis? Just hold still, this is going to feel like three weeks of self-reflection crunched into five seconds. You'll be dizzy for a few minutes while you adjust, and after that you'll be fine."

And Will, of course, would find that this was all completely true.

[Will Stanton]

Will ended up rubbing his temples. "Ow. Man, I will not get used to people doing that...."

[Michael Asters]

"Think of it as incentive to not get your head tied up in knots again," Cassiel said, smiling wryly.

[Will Stanton]

"I don't suppose you have some kind of anti-telepathic spray I can use or something?"